I am an internationally unknown and locally ignored photographer.

I got bored with my old nerdy profile and no one apparently read it anyway, so anyone browsing in Model Mayhem that accidentally stumbles onto this site and actually pauses here long enough to read a few words may recognize a little tongue-in-cheek satire in the following role-reversal statements:

1. Vote for me as the hottie photographer of the month! I'm so excited about my chances of winning this very prestigious award. Vote for me! Vote for me!
2. I am willing to travel to a shoot as long as first class air, a private limo, lavish meals, and high-end luxury hotel suite accommodations with numerous elegant photographic settings for the model(s) are provided in addition to my usual exorbitant fee.
3. I am very open-minded and up for almost anything except non-nudity.
4. I am open to TFCD on a very limited basis but only with models that have many examples of highly professional work and several nationally known photographer references.
5. I love new shoot ideas, especially the ones I think of first, which actually and coincidentally includes all the creative shoot ideas you tell me about.
6. I am very outgoing and easy to get along with as long as I get precisely my way on every issue and I am continually reminded that I am an absolutely superb photographer who is creating totally arresting images of you that no other photographer has ever come close to achieving.
7. I totally love being behind the camera and always make sure that everyone is having fun at my shoots. I have a great sense of humor and am so much fun to work with, I just know that you will depart the photo shoot with your belly muscles hurting from all the laughing you will have done. I'll make this a fun shoot! Fun! Fun! Fun! But at the same time, I am very serious about my photography.
8. Although I specialize in humorous nude, artistic nude, and fine art nude images, if the model is especially beautiful and begs and grovels until she sufficiently satisfies my photographic ego, I can, against my will and natural inclination, be talked into devoting a little time near the end of the shoot for some adult nude imagery. However, be advised that for solo work, macro pictures of the model showing pink, including frame-filling ultra close-ups of the clitoris and of the cervix, are my absolute limit in this area. Please don't request anything more graphic or sensual. You will be refused. I am very firm about this!
9. I am always on time and never flake for a location shoot except for the rare occasions when I oversleep, am hung over, have mistakenly made conflicting appointments, or am having a bad no hair day and just don't want to bother.
10. Escorts will be escorted to a soundproof room where, ironically, the only entertainment available is tapes of "Leave it to Beaver".
11. I have a wonderful, caring girlfriend, so I am absolutely not here on this site for dating (wink, wink). We must remain totally professional in our model/photographer relationship (wink, wink).  But if you are so utterly turned on by my superb photographic ability and obvious personal charm that you simply can't resist inquiring as to my social availability, it is not within my power to stop you. There is always an extremely remote but finite possibility that my present relationship may have deteriorated, inducing me to be inclined to accept your get together overture if I find your inquiry exceptionally intriguing. Be sure to state your intentions in graphic detail and send a few of your sexiest pictures to help me determine if you merit either switching GFs or serving as recreational dessert.
12. Since I have a very full schedule due to the phenomenal demand for my photographic services, I only do fashion and swimsuit TFCD photography with exceptional models and not even then on the first or second shoot. And I NEVER shoot implied nude pictures of models wearing nothing but ground-length black burqas complete with veils that hide the eyes, so please do not ask! I will immediately delete your referral without answering.
13. I am looking to update my already superb portfolio and desire to work with as many outstanding and creative nude models as possible. Please contact me immediately to schedule a shoot you will remember for the rest of your life. Hurry! I only have a few schedule openings left in 2023 and 2024.
14. Good news for you rapidly developing 13-year olds who can hardly wait to officially display all you have to offer sexually instead of those illegal grainy cell phone sexting stills and videos of you masturbating that you just e-mailed to your boyfriend. My schedule in the years 2028 and 2029 still has lots of openings. Reserve your X-rated 18th birthday spreads and show pink shoot now before some other super hot chick locks that day (and maybe, if I play my cards right, my subsequent night of unrestrained passion) up.

Now, a little more on the serious side:

MODEL PREPARATIONS FOR A NUDE SHOOT
The following recommendations apply for a nude shoot with any photographer, not just me:
1. Realizing this is a nude shoot, before you schedule a firm date, please check your calendar to make sure that you won't be bloated, menstruating, or in PMS Hell. This avoids last-minute apologetic calls or flaking if too embarrassed to explain.
2. Any part of you that you that you shave, including underarms, should be very freshly shaved so that a picture that includes that area does not show a "shadow". This is especially applicable to models that do not have skin-colored platinum blonde hair. Please be aware that this does not mean dragging the blade across the skin so hard that it leaves a forest of red bumps.
3. Except for a few photographers who consider strong tan lines erotic, the vast majority of figure photographers prefer that the nude model have no tan lines or at the very most, weak tan lines. So please do not go to the beach or pool in a standard swimsuit and acquire strong tan lines or a sunburn prior to a nude shoot date. And do not follow the example of the model who tried to cancel tan lines out the day before a nude shoot with way overdoing it at a tanning salon. Lobster-red butts and breasts are simply not artistically photogenic. It takes three days between the last tanning salon visit and a shoot to give the tan time to completely form. If you do go to the beach, purchase and wear a tan-thru swimsuit and use an SPF 4 tanning lotion on the exposed skin to match the SPF 4 of the tan-thru. If you already have tan lines, to reduce them while at the beach or pool in a tan-thru, I recommend using an SPF 8 or higher tanning lotion on the exposed skin and limiting your sun exposure time to that recommended for SPF 4. Adjust the swimsuit seam positions once in awhile so that they do not show.
4. E-mailing or telephoning the photographer the day before to confirm the date and time of a shoot shows responsibility and gives the photographer much more confidence that the shoot planning and setup work will not be in vain. If you are running behind schedule on the day of the shoot, call and let the photographer know approximately how late you will be.
5. Please be wearing only a loose dress or other garment when you arrive for a shoot. Avoid wearing a bra, panties, belt, elastic waistband, Bikini, thong, shorts, corduroy, jeans, or anything else that leaves red pressure marks on the skin. Bring any of these to wear after the shoot, of course. Think beltless dress, long nightshirt, or Muu Muu an hour before the shoot.  Especially if your hair is made up when you arrive, the ultimate garment is one that drops down rather than goes up over the head. If when you are ready to model, you unzip, unfasten, or unbutton and your garment drops to the floor leaving just you, any figure photographer will instantly recognize you as being a professional nude model and the session will start on a very positive note.
6. As one of the last preparations before a shoot, many models slather on a body lotion or body powder to make the skin "glow". This is fine if you are on location in an outdoor setting or in a setting where you only stand. But in a studio setting, the lotion discolors the muslin backdrop when kneeling, sitting, or lying on it. Washing the fabric to remove the lotion stains removes the fabric color from the tips of the fibers and so the backdrop has to be redyed. If the backdrop is seamless paper, the part of the backdrop you have discolored with your lotion has to be cut off and thrown away. Only about three cuts can be made before the roll gets too short and a new roll must be purchased. So take note of the nature of the shoot before the lotion or powder goes on.
7. I know this is hard to remember when you are just seconds from starting a shoot in a studio, but just before you step into the studio setting, if you are not wearing some sort of footwear and the soles of your feet may be in some pictures, be sure that your soles are nice and pink, not black. Feet get grimy very quickly walking on house, studio, or garage floors that have not been recently washed and PSing that out without it looking obvious is very difficult and time consuming. Note to photographers: To help out on your part, keep your studio floors clean!

My credits include:
1. Numerous fantasies of my nude photographs being in high demand for features in top USA and international periodicals.
2. Continuing illusions of receiving almost daily 7-figure offers from large publishing houses hoping I will contract with them for books on nude photography.
3. In a fallback position, an apparent pipe dream that one day I will have a pay Web site that will at least regain all the money I have spent on photography over the years.
4. In actuality, an occasional pat on the back by one of my ex-coworkers, envious over the nude photography path my retirement hobby has taken.

Tags

See All Tags (131)